Our Forefather

I stumbled across an article online not that long ago about the ongoing debate between the theories of evolution and intelligent design. It was, again, being argued that the fact that there is no so-called “missing link” between apes and humans disproves the idea that evolution is the sole mechanism explaining the great biological diversity on our planet. I thought I would settle this issue once and for all with some thoughts of my own.

If evolution occurs gradually, so the argument goes, how can the sudden jump from ape to man be explained? Come back in time with me to some jungle in Africa and see for yourself.

Imagine you are walking along and come to a clearing in the trees. The moon and stars shine down through a perfectly clear sky and you spy a male chimpanzee sauntering up to a potential mate. He’s clearly an alpha and very interested in the flared butt cheeks of the lady he intends to approach. He hoots something in chimpanzee-ese and she hoots back. The conversation is short and in no time he’s in business. Really try to drink in the scene. There is no time for cognition as we know it, and why would there be? Everything is right with nature.

Now, let’s pull our focus back from the happy couple for a minute and concern ourselves with another male chimp sitting on a rock not far from the ape sex. He’s quite a bit lower down on the group totem pole and he, too, thinks of little other than the bitter music he’s listening to. He is also doing exactly what evolution planned for him – not getting any.

Let’s follow this second ape a bit longer and see how he might shift the gears of evolution into overdrive.

Our chimp leaves his rock and ambles his way on down to his usual spot in the river for a bit of a bath. He washes himself but, on this occasion, his hand grazes his apehood and creates a pleasing sensation which takes him aback. He touches himself again, retesting the feeling, and, before long, he’s making love to himself. (Understand that this is a wholly new behavior and will set the stage for the advancement of generations to come.) After about four minutes, he experiences the most intense pleasure of his short life and covers the face of a nearby rock with his seed. Simultaneously, actual thought and language burst forth onto the pages of history. Realizing that he just spent nearly five minutes tugging on his dick he remarks, sullenly, “I really need to get a job.”

The rest, as they say, is history.